I don’t love myself. I don’t even like myself most days.
I have hated myself for as long as I can remember.
I’ve relied on other people to tell me how wonderful I am when I’m dismayed.
I’ve leaned so heavily on everyone around me for emotional support, when I’m alone I just crumble. I jump from relationship to relationship looking for someone to hold me up right.
The thing is, I’ve always thought of myself as independent. I don’t rely on anyone for any material thing. I support myself. But when it comes to my emotional well being I’m pathetic. I’ve always known this about myself but haven’t ever really broached it, so here I go.
I have hated myself since early child hood. My mother was a very mean, emotionally abusive drunk. I was the youngest of 4 children and I was the easy target to pick on. Many of my memories from those early childhood years are full of tears because I was sent to my room
for laughing too loudly, or in a way that annoyed the grown ups.
I was home schooled from the 4th grade until college and never learned a thing besides video games. I never got beyond 4th grade math because no one in my house could teach me. I thought I was an idiot. I thought I was mentally handicapped for 10 years. It wasn’t until I got to community college and held a 4.0 that I realized I did have a brain. I don’t know so many basic things like… what is an atom? I thought for sure I must have been adopted because the rest of my family is so smart and I knew nothing.
I spent from most of my time in my room crying from 11 years old till I was 18. No one asked me if I was ok. I didn’t have any friends. I was so alone.
In all that time alone you’d think I’d find strength in my solitude but I never did. I was just depressed. Whenever I’m alone now I feel like that still.
I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, but how? I don’t want to learn it hurts. It hurts to be alone.